Why Kids Misbehave: The Purpose Beneath the Behavior

Why does your child melt down when you’re on the phone—or push back the moment you set a limit?

From a developmental lens, the question isn’t “What’s wrong with them?” It’s “What need are they trying to meet?”

Let me be clear: Even if you’re the most loving, intentional parent, your child will still misbehave. Not because you’ve failed, but because they’re learning how to be human.

Misbehavior is not a character flaw, it’s often a signal. Often, it’s a child’s way of saying:

“I feel discouraged.” 

“I feel disconnected.” 

“I’m not sure where I fit.”

And as overwhelming as that moment might be for us as parents, it’s also an invitation:

How can I help my child feel a sense of belonging and significance—without rewarding the behavior?

That’s what Positive Discipline is all about. And these five principles are a roadmap for how to begin.

1. Help Them Feel That They Belong and Matter

According to Adlerian theory and Positive Discipline, all behavior is rooted in the need to belong and feel significant. When kids don’t feel connected or capable, they act out—seeking attention, power, or even revenge—not to manipulate, but to matter.

Practical ways to build belonging and significance:

• Spend one-on-one time with your child, even just 10 minutes a day. Let them lead the activity. No phones, no multitasking.

  
  

• Say: “I’m so glad we’re spending time together.”  “Your ideas are really interesting.” “I love being with you.”

  
  

• Involve them meaningfully: Instead of “Stop interrupting,” try: “Can you help me set a timer for three minutes so I can finish this call and then give you my full attention when the timer goes off? Will you keep track for me?”

  
  

✨ Small shifts like this rewire the belief from “I only matter when I act out” to “I matter when I connect or contribute.”

2. Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time

You can be compassionate without being permissive. You can hold a limit without being harsh. In Positive Discipline, kindness respects the child’s emotions, while firmness respects the situation.

Kind + Firm sounds like:

• “I know it’s hard to turn off the tablet—and it’s time for dinner.”

  
  

• “You really want to wear your costume to school. That makes sense. And we’re still going to wear school clothes today.”

  
  

✨ This teaches: “My parent sees me, hears me, and holds the line.”

3. Teach for the Long-Term, Not Just the Moment

It’s tempting to rely on what “works” in the short term: yelling, bribing, negotiating, threatening, or giving in. But that often teaches kids:

• “I matter when I perform.”

  
  

• “My emotions are too much.”

  
  

• “If I push hard enough, I win.”

  
  

Instead, we can focus on the long game: building skills like self-awareness, resilience, and cooperation.

Instead of “How do I stop this?” try asking:

• How can I support myself in this moment, so I can support them?

  
  

• What skill does my child need here?

  
  

• What belief are they building about themselves—or about me?

  
  

✨ Every power struggle is an opportunity to model emotional strength and teach a new skill.

4. Build Real-Life Skills—Not Just Good Behavior

Misbehavior often means a child is missing a skill, not ignoring a rule.

They may not know how to:

• Transition between activities without melting down

  
  

• Ask for help without whining

  
  

• Solve conflict without yelling or hitting

  
  

Instead of punishing, ask:

“What can I teach here that helps my child succeed next time?”

Examples:

• “Let’s practice what you can do when your brother grabs your toy.”

  
  

• “You can say, ‘I need space,’ or you can come find me for help.”

  
  

• “It’s okay to feel mad. Let’s stomp our feet and breathe together.”

  
  

✨ Parenting isn’t about stopping bad behavior. It’s about teaching what to do instead.

5. Support Their Sense of Capability

When children feel capable, they behave differently. They stand taller. They don’t need to act out to feel powerful.

Encouragement builds capability.

Encouragement sounds like:

• “You really stuck with that puzzle. That took focus.”

  
  

• “You figured out a new way to solve that problem.”

  
  

• “Thanks for helping. That made a difference.”

  
  

 ✨ Encouragement says “You matter for trying, helping, showing up.”

Simple ways to build capability:

• Give them a job: “Can you carry the forks?”

  
  

• Ask for their input: “How do you think we could solve this?”

  
  

• Let them try it first: “Would you like to zip it yourself?”

  
  

Contribution builds confidence. Confidence reduces misbehavior.  I highly recommend you also read more on the power of encouragement rather than praise here.

What If You Don’t Get It Right?

You won’t.

There will be tantrums at bedtime. Tears at preschool drop-off. Days when your own nervous system is tapped out.

Sometimes, misbehavior is just a tired, hungry, overstimulated child—and a tired, human parent.

But when you respond with reflection instead of reactivity, repair instead of shame, and presence instead of perfection—you’re doing something powerful.

“Misbehavior never happens in a vacuum. It’s a signal of discouragement. Encouragement—through love, patience, and belief in our kids—is what helps them feel better and do better.” —Jane Nelsen

So the next time your child pushes a limit, melts down, or “won’t listen,” pause and ask:

“How can I help them feel belonging and/or significance right now?”

You won’t always get it right. But showing up with intention—again and again—is what matters most.

Want Support Navigating Parenting Dynamics?

I absolutely love Jane Nelsen’s books on Positive Discipline, and I recommend them often to the families I work with. If you’d like to go deeper, whether you're trying to understand your child’s behavior, shift family patterns, or simply parent with more intention, I’d be honored to support you.

This topic is close to my heart—not only as a therapist and a researcher, but as a mom of two.

If you're curious about therapy focused on parenting, relationships, or emotional connection, I invite you to reach out.

Warmly,

Dr. Kristen Aycock