When you think of trust in relationships, what comes to mind? Fidelity is often at the top of the list for most couples. However, trust isn't simply about avoiding betrayals—it's about actively nurturing a sense of safety, reliability, and closeness. Trusting that our partner knows us intimately and wants the best for us is the bedrock of a successful relationship. Whether in a marriage, a committed partnership, or just dating, we feel most connected with our partners when they consider our needs. The key lies in building and deepening trust through intentional actions and communication.
What does the research say?
John Gottman, one of the most influential researchers on relationships, has famously said, "Trust is built in very small moments, which I call 'sliding door' moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner." His extensive studies show that trust is not just about grand gestures but the consistency of positive, small interactions over time. This aligns with Brené Brown's work, which suggests that trust is built in what she calls the "marble jar" moments—those seemingly insignificant actions that slowly fill up the jar of trust.
When partners transcend themselves and listen deeply to their partner's needs, stand by them through adversity, celebrate with them when they have a win, and affirm who they are, reminding them of why we chose them to be our partner—that is when I see the spark return to my couples who have been married for years or when I see young love cultivating an enduring future.
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new sights, but in looking with new eyes." - Marcel Proust
Esther Perel, known for her work on modern love and intimacy, adds another layer by exploring how trust is essential for emotional safety and keeping the spark alive in a relationship. She argues that trust allows partners to feel secure enough to be vulnerable, which is critical to maintaining both emotional and physical intimacy.
Three Proven Ways to Build Trust in Your Relationship
1. Catch Your Partner Doing Something Right
Building trust often starts with shifting our focus. Rather than zero in on your partner's wrongdoings, try to catch them doing something right. When you notice and acknowledge your partner's small, thoughtful actions, you reinforce a foundation of appreciation and trust.
Often, couples think to invoke therapeutic communication skills only when they want to share something hurtful with their partner (e.g., I felt discounted when you failed to include me in your work dinner); however, sharing our positive experiences is even more critical. (e.g., I felt cared for when you stopped to pick up the dry cleaning. That was very thoughtful of you.)
The next time your partner does something kind—no matter how small—take a moment to acknowledge it. This will make your partner feel valued and strengthen the emotional bond between you, laying the groundwork for greater trust.
2. Spend Regular Alone Time Together
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it's easy to let your relationship slip into the background. I'm not just talking about going on dates; it's about being present with each other, asking meaningful questions, and sharing thoughts and feelings that often go unspoken.
These moments of undistracted connection are vital, Whether through a weekly date night, a weekend retreat, or even a simple walk together.
Time alone with each other helps you stay in tune with each other's evolving needs and desires, reinforcing the trust that forms the backbone of a thriving relationship.
One of my favorite apps is called the Gottman Card Decks. It is filled with wonderful questions you can ask your partner to deepen your intimacy and build trust.
3. Use the Speaker-Listener Technique During Disagreements
Disagreements are a normal and healthy part of any relationship. However, how you handle them can either build or erode trust. During conflicts, it's essential to listen to your partner with the goal of truly understanding their perspective.
The speaker-listener technique offers a structured way to manage disagreements. When one partner speaks, the other listens without interrupting, then repeats what they heard to ensure understanding before expressing their viewpoint. This approach minimizes defensiveness and promotes a respectful, empathetic exchange, crucial for maintaining trust during challenging times. You can build closeness and respect in conflict when these techniques are used gracefully and authentically.
In Conclusion
Trust is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing practice that requires effort, communication, and vulnerability. By focusing on the small moments of positivity, dedicating time to deeply connect, and handling disagreements with care and respect, you build trust and consequently thrive in your relationships.
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