Red Flags in Relationships
- Dr. Kristen Aycock
- Apr 18
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 21
Relationships can be many things—beautiful, complicated, exhilarating, comforting... and sometimes, confusing. Especially early on, it’s not always easy to tell if you’re in something truly supportive, or if you're starting to lose your sense of self, balance, and read on right and wrong.
One of the most difficult things I witness in my work is how often people blame themselves when a relationship feels off. They start wondering:
"Am I asking for too much?"
"Am I overreacting?"
"Maybe they’re just having a hard time."
And while it’s true that no one is perfect, there are patterns that can quietly chip away at your emotional well-being. You deserve to be in a relationship that allows you to breathe, grow, and feel emotionally safe.
These red flags are not meant to cause fear or suspicion—they’re here to help you tune in to your intuition and honor what’s not working.
They Dismiss How You Feel
When you express hurt or discomfort, do they listen—or do they brush it off?
💬 Example: You say, “I felt embarrassed when you made that comment in front of our friends,” and they respond, “You’re too sensitive, it was just a joke.”
What might seem like a minor comment is actually a form of emotional dismissal. If this happens often, it sends the message that your emotions don’t matter, or worse, that you can’t trust your own perspective.
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” – Bryant H. McGill
In healthy relationships, even if someone doesn’t fully understand your emotion, they still honor your right to feel it.
They Push Their Opinions as Truth
Disagreements are natural. But if someone consistently pressures you to see things their way or makes you feel wrong for thinking differently, it’s a sign of imbalance.
💬 Example: You express a need for alone time over the weekend, and they reply, “That’s ridiculous. Why would you want space from someone who loves you?”
Over time, this dynamic can lead you to suppress your needs or second-guess your perspective.
“Equality in relationships doesn’t mean being the same—it means both voices are valued.”
– Inspired by Alfred Adler
They Have Difficult or Distant Relationships With Others
How someone talks about and interacts with others often speaks volumes.
💬 Example: They frequently speak poorly of exes, have few close friendships, or describe ongoing conflicts where others are “always the problem.”
Of course, life can be messy. But if there’s a consistent lack of reflection about their role in conflict, it’s worth noticing.
Healthy relationships include the ability to acknowledge harm and take responsibility—not just with you, but with others too.
Their Emotions Feel Unpredictable
Do you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells, adjusting your tone, timing, or even your personality just to avoid upsetting them?
💬 Example: A small comment turns into a blowup. Or they’re warm and affectionate one day and distant the next—with no explanation.
You might start thinking, “If I could just say things the right way…” but that’s not how love should work.
Frequent emotional outbursts or drastic shifts in mood create an environment where you can’t fully relax or be yourself.
“People can't connect with you if they don't feel safe around you.”
– Dr. John Gottman
5. They Avoid Taking Responsibility
Everyone makes mistakes. But someone who rarely owns their actions or frequently shifts blame makes it impossible to build trust.
💬 Example: They forget something important, and instead of acknowledging it, say, “You should’ve reminded me. You know I’ve been stressed.”
A healthy partner can say, “I forgot—and I’m sorry.”
Ownership allows repair. Avoidance leaves you carrying the emotional burden alone.
6. They Start Strong, Then Pull Away or Become Critical
At first, everything feels perfect. They’re engaged, thoughtful, and constantly reaching out. You feel seen and chosen.
Then suddenly, something shifts. The warmth disappears. You express a need, and they become critical or emotionally distant.
💬 Example: They go from daily check-ins and deep conversations to cold silence or passive-aggressive remarks when you express that you miss their energy.
This isn’t connection—it’s inconsistency. And inconsistency is exhausting.
“Trust is built in very small moments.”
– Dr. John Gottman
💡 A Note on the Good Moments
You might be thinking: But they’re not always like this… Sometimes they’re incredibly sweet. You’re right. No one is all bad.
That’s exactly what makes these patterns difficult to name. Kindness, apologies, or tender gestures often follow hurtful behavior—and that can make you question yourself.
But if the relationship regularly leaves you second-guessing your feelings, shrinking your needs, or questioning your worth, then the pattern—not the apology—is what matters most.
🧭 Choose the Relationship That Supports You
You deserve a relationship where:
Your voice is heard
Your boundaries are respected
Your well-being is a priority
It’s not “too much” to want to feel safe, connected, and valued. It’s not “too sensitive” to notice when something isn’t sitting right.
It’s wisdom.
It’s discernment.
It’s self-trust.
“The essential task of life is to build and maintain relationships that are mutually respectful and beneficial.”
– Alfred Adler
✅ Red Flag Reflection Checklist
Use this checklist to reflect on your relationship (or one from your past). Are any of these patterns showing up more than once?
My feelings are often dismissed, minimized, or ignored
I feel pressure to adopt their views or choices
They have few close relationships and speak poorly of others
I often adjust myself to avoid triggering their moods
They rarely take ownership of their mistakes
Their behavior started strong and loving but quickly changed
I feel like I’m walking on eggshells more often than not
Apologies are made, but the same behavior keeps repeating
I second-guess myself regularly in this relationship
I feel more anxious than peaceful most of the time
If several of these items feel consistent with what you are experiencing, it may be time to pause and reevaluate. You deserve peace, clarity, and respect.
Want to Talk Through a Relationship Pattern?
Whether you’re in a relationship that feels confusing or you’re working through the aftermath of one that didn’t support you, therapy can help you sort through the ambiguity and come back to yourself.
You don’t have to figure it out alone.
With warmth,
Dr. Kristen Aycock
