What Your Love Language Says About You — And How to Deepen Connection With Others

Dr. Kristen Aycock
Jun 23
5 min read

I’ll admit it: while I love being a psychologist, I’d happily add matchmaker to my job title. Helping people find—and sustain—relationships that feel genuine, respectful, and emotionally safe is one of my greatest honors.

One helpful tool I return to again and again? Love Languages.

Though they’ve become a bit of pop-culture shorthand, the heart of the concept remains powerful:

Love is not one-size-fits-all. The way we feel safe, known, and cared for varies from person to person. And when love is offered in a way we don’t recognize, it can leave us feeling disconnected in a relationship that’s meant to bring us closer.

Let’s change that—together.

What Are Love Languages—and What Do They Reveal?

The Five Love Languages, developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, describe how people tend to express and receive love:

Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

We often speak the love language that aligns with how we were reared—or what we needed most but didn’t get. In that way, your primary love language is a window into your story.

Crave Words of Affirmation? You might have longed to feel seen and affirmed.
Prefer Acts of Service? You may associate love with being cared for in concrete ways.
Value Physical Touch? You may seek grounding, reassurance, or closeness.
Feel closest through Quality Time? You may have longed for presence, attention, and shared experiences that made you feel valued.
Appreciate Receiving Gifts? You might connect love with thoughtfulness and symbolic meaning—gestures that show you were remembered and considered.

Love languages give us a vocabulary for emotional needs that may have once been hard to articulate.

Learning to speak it—authentically—is where connection grows.

How to Begin: Take the Quiz, Start the Conversation

One of the easiest ways to explore this is by taking the Love Languages Quiz with someone close to you. Even reading through the questions can offer insight into how you—and others—best feel loved.

Sharing your results (and what they bring up) can lead to surprising moments of connection, clarity, and understanding.

➡️ I enjoyed this Love Language Quiz

Understanding love languages is powerful. But it’s the practice—not the quiz result—that transforms relationships.

Here are a few ways to bring your insights into daily life with your loved ones:

Ask, then listen without fixing
Try: “I’d love to know what helps you feel supported.” Then pause, take it in, and resist the urge to defend. Let their answer be a window, not a judgment.
Don’t save it for special occasions
A love note, a back rub, a simple “thank you” text—small, repeated acts of love make more impact than grand one-offs. If you know what helps your partner feel safe or connected, offer it consistently—not just when things are good (more concrete examples for each love language listed below).
Learn to speak their language (not just your own)
If you’re naturally a touch person, but your partner thrives on words of affirmation, practice loving them in their dialect first. You’re not abandoning your style—you’re expanding your fluency.

And ideally, you’ll find creative ways to blend how you give love with how your partner receives it. If your go-to expression is Words of Affirmation and theirs is Receiving Gifts, try writing a heartfelt message in a card—or gifting something small with deep meaning.

Love shouldn't feel performative or inauthentic. It’s not about becoming someone you’re not—it’s about stretching your heart in new directions so your love can actually land.

“The biggest mistake couples make is assuming love is obvious. It rarely is.”

– Dr. John Gottman

Loving well means knowing the difference between what feels good to give and what’s needed to receive.

How to Ask for What You Need (and Why It's So Hard)

Knowing your love language is one thing. Expressing what you need is another. That can feel much more vulnerable—especially if you grew up believing your needs were too much, inconvenient, or unsafe to express.

If you’re used to playing the caretaker, being easygoing, or earning love by minimizing your wants, it can feel risky to voice your needs. But naming what helps you feel loved is an act of courage—and an invitation to deeper connection.

Try speaking from your experience rather than your frustration.

Start with a gentle invitation, like: “Hey, is this a good time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

Then, instead of focusing on what’s missing, share what helps you feel loved — and why it matters to you. This makes it easier for the other person to hear you without feeling blamed.

“When you hug me after we’ve argued, it helps me feel grounded and connected again. Could you do that next time?”
“When you say something kind or affirming, even something small, it quiets that inner voice that says I’m not enough. I’d really love to hear that more often.”
“I feel really connected and cared for when we spend time together without distractions. Could we plan more moments like that?”
“When you take care of little things, like making coffee or emptying the dishwasher, it makes me feel supported and like we’re in this together. That means a lot to me.”
“When you check in about my day and really listen, I feel seen and valued. I’d love more of that kind of connection.”

Start small. Use specific examples. And remember—asking clearly for what you need isn’t needy. It’s relational maturity. Your partner likely wants to support you—offering a roadmap instead of letting resentment build is one of the kindest gifts you can give to the relationship.

How to Love Others in Their Language

Loving well doesn’t mean becoming someone you’re not. But it does mean becoming more fluent in the ways your loved ones receive care—consistently.

Here are some simple ways you can show up for each love language on a regular basis:

💬 Words of Affirmation

Start the day with a kind text or encouraging word.
Leave a sticky note on the mirror with something you admire about them.
Say “thank you” often and name the specific thing you’re grateful for.

⏰ Quality Time

Put your phone away during meals or conversations.
Create a daily or weekly ritual, like a walk after dinner or a 10-minute check-in before bed.
Listen fully—without jumping in to solve or multitask.

🎁 Receiving Gifts

Pick up their favorite snack just because.
Mail a card, even if you live in the same house.
Save little mementos from special days (like a movie ticket or flower) and give it to them as a memory-keeper.

🧡 Acts of Service

Take something off their plate without being asked.
Refill the gas tank, fold the laundry, or prep their coffee just the way they like it.
Ask, “What would make your day easier today?” and follow through.

🤗 Physical Touch

Offer a warm hug when you greet or say goodbye.
Hold hands during a walk or while watching TV.
Give a gentle back rub or playful nudge—small, loving touches that say “I’m here.”

Loving consistently doesn’t require grand gestures—it’s the little things, offered with thoughtfulness, that build a sense of safety and connection over time.

The Heart of the Matter: Love Takes Practice

We often expect love to come naturally. But real love—lasting love—is a practice of curiosity, effort, and emotional translation.

Whether you're single, partnered, dating, parenting, or simply trying to reconnect with someone important, understanding love languages gives you a starting point.

Take the quiz. Start the conversation. And listen for the kind of love that might already be there—just waiting to be noticed.

➡️ Take the Love Language Quiz